


Welcome to Porf-Vale

by AnnabethBlack



Category: Drawfee RPF, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Blood, Crossover, One Shot, Swearing, We're sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 22:04:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12094392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnabethBlack/pseuds/AnnabethBlack
Summary: In a food-tacular episode, Porfo appears in Night Vale to cause devastation and reign terror on the quaint desert town. Cecil Palmer and Night Vale Community Radio Intern Willie Muse report on the carnage from the safety of the radio station.





	Welcome to Porf-Vale

**The End approaches. It is a dark, infinite hunger, an endless appetite leading to a limitless void of a stomach. The End approaches, dear listeners, and it calls itself… Porfo.**

**Welcome to Night Vale.**

 

Today, listeners, I’d like to  start our humble community radio show by talking about things which are new. There are three kinds of new things: the bad kind, the neutral kind, and the good kind.

An example of the bad kind would be from our past. Strexcorp and those smiling, festering… ahem… _people_ from the “former” Desert Bluffs community who tried to destroy our quaint little town with their stupid smiling God are most definitely the most evil and all around bad kind of new.

The neutral kind of knew might be the change in our democratically elected by the pulses from a hidden gorge mayor, just as another example. Whilst personally I am so proud of my friend and former intern, Dana, and of course all she has accomplished (especially now that I know she didn’t buy me in a Secret Police auction to use against my will to repeatedly save our perilous town), as a private citizen and a journalist I find myself neutral to her as our old-but-new mayor. In all honesty, the weird occurrences that keep nearly destroying our lives have not declined in frequency since Mayor Cardinal’s term started. But I’m getting off track.

Something which I _know_ is the good kind of new is being married to the love of my life, Carlos. I mean, sure, we’ve been living together for years but now that Carlos and I are _married_ , well, things have changed in the best possible way. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our problems - no marriage is perfect after all - but it feels like every day brings something new and I love every second of it.

But again, I’m gushing and not focusing on the story. Sorry. I mean, you hear me talk about Carlos every Thursday evening on _Cecil’s Love Hour_ at 8pm (or whatever time exists on that particular Thursday around what we would consider to be the evening). Make sure you tune in to get advice on your love life but to also mainly listen to me brag about my super-amazing wonderful husband.

But - side-tracked - back to the whole “new” thing. In the _news_ today Night Vale finds itself with a trio of new things:

The first - a good thing - is Night Vale Community Radio’s newest intern: Willie Muse. Come say hello Willie!

 **Willie:** But I don’t want to.

 **Cecil:** Hey now, don’t be shy! Why don’t you tell us what you’re majoring in over at the Night Vale Community College?

 **Willie:** First of all, I’m timeless and therefore too old to be attending community college, but more importantly I’m not even _from_ Night Vale. I have no idea how I even got here. I was just helping Nathan out with a Drawfee episode when I woke up in the break room and you said I was your new intern.

**[Momentary silence]**

**Cecil:** Well I have no idea what class _Drawfee_ is but it sounds like you’re on your way to having a bright and lucrative future in community radio!

 **WIllie:** That’s not what I-

 **Cecil:** Carrying on with the news, it seems that we have four newcomers to our town. Well, we think they are newcomers. They are wearing the customary orange ponchos that are an essential part of the welcoming kit everyone receives upon moving in to Night Vale but the funny thing is that no one remembers giving this quartet their welcome packs.

That said, a lot of people do not remember a lot of things. Can you really trust the faulty memory of others? Only trust your own memory because everyone else’s is wrong. Especially these new people. I don’t know them but their memories are definitely wrong.

Even in the impossible event that their memories are not in fact wrong, I find myself neutral to their newfound presence. After all, they seem quite harmless, walking around town  with their styluses and their graphics tablets. The woman among them even had an innocent yet large bow with arrows that glow an inky blue. There’s no way they could hurt anybody with those! And even if they tried, we have bigger issues from the big new bad in the town: Porfo.

 **Willie:** Uh oh, if Porfo’s here then I’m out. Later Cecil.

 **Cecil:** Wait, you know this creature?

 **Willie:** Yeah, duh, that’s why I said I’m leaving. I’ve had a few run ins with him actually and they are never pretty.

 **Cecil:** Well what can you tell us about him? Any information will surely be a massive help to our brave scientists as they toil away in search of a plan to stop him.

 **Willie:** Um, well, he used to be in a boyband? With like, Dave, Slave, Trave or Zave, maybe Knave, or something stupid that rhymed like that.  But he has an unsatis- unsatia- an un- an eternal hunger and so devours EVERYTHING. It started in Manhattan but-

 **Cecil:** Man-hatchen? What’s a Manhatchen?

 **Willie:** _Manhattan_. It’s where I used to work. Where all of this started actually. It was all Caldwell’s fault, and then he just up and left us to deal with his monster while he moved to sip cocktails in the sun on the West Coast.

 **Cecil:** Who’s Caldwell?

 **Willie:** Porfo’s creator and a traitorous-

 **Cecil:** How does one even create an almighty devourer?

 **Willie** : I dunno. They were playing apples to apples and then drawing Porfo a lot. Somehow he came to life but eh.

 **Cecil:** Well with that helpful tidbit, I now take you to the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

 **Willie:** Wait what?

 **Cecil:** Today on the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner we’re going to talk about _Colours_.

 **Willie:** Should I go or-?

 **Cecil:** The Primary Colours are: Red, Blue, and Yellow.

 **Willie:** Yeah, I’m gonna go. Call me when this shit show is over..

 **Cecil:** For digital artists and printers, the key colours are: black, pink, cute, and urine. By mixing red and blue you make purple. If you add yellow to red you make orange and if you mix blue and yellow together you get a blinding headache caused by all of the toxic plants that have sprouted out of the paint to destroy you and consume your loved ones.

Digital painters do not use real colours. Pink is, scientifically speaking, a combination of letters simply pretending to be a real colour whilst black is actually the absence of colour all together. Fun fact: if you combine every single colour together you create a tear in the space-time continuum that leads not only to a void in existence, but also to a big old void in your heart as well!

This has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

 **Willie:** I don’t know what the fuck that was but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t science.

 **Cecil:** Intern Willie, I thought you had gone off to do intern things like making coffee and cleaning the bloodstone circles?

 **Willie:** I had but while I was avoiding doing work in the break room someone handed me this note to give to you?

 **Cecil:** Oh, well, thank you.

 **Willie:** You know I didn’t even see who gave me the note which should be creepy but after watching Julia draw Guillermo del Toro’s version of The Bee Movie honestly very little scares me anymore.

 **Cecil:** Well, like I said, thank you Intern Willie.

 **Willie:** See ya.

 **Cecil:** I have here a note from Station Management telling me to return to the news because I got distracted by the new and delicious-looking intern and so did not actually explain the danger that Porfo possesses.

My apologies listeners. _Ahem_. Rewind, yada yada yada…

We have bigger issues from the big new bad in the town: Porfo.

He came to us in the night in the most unassuming form: a slightly chunky white guy with a tuft of yellow hair and a funny looking mouth. By nature our town fears outsiders and interlopers but the newcomer, _Porfo_ , seems so… placid. We could not fear him for we were naive and blinded by stereotyping.

We could not fear him so we did not. Then when he stepped up to the mic at Karaoke night, well, he lulled us all into a false sense of security with the voice of an angel. Yes, an angel, because they now legally exist, and I’ll be honest here, when he first arrived, had I not intrinsically known his name to be Porfo I would have called him Erika. Erika, with a K.

But Porfo, our seemingly unassuming stranger, quickly turned into a definitely assuming nightmare.

After that tear-jerking performance at the Moonlight All-Night Diner, Porfo proceeded to not only eat the entirety of the menu but also the entire stock of food allocated to the diner. When that wasn’t enough to sate his hunger, Porfo carried on by eating the chefs, the waitresses, and even the other patrons. Well folks, this only seemed to make him hungrier as soon the entire building was consumed and sitting in his limitless stomach. By the time the Sheriff’s Secret Police were on the scene Porfo was long gone. If you see him, dear listeners, if you see him then you better run and hide before contacting the Sheriff’s Secret Police. Run, hide, and pray Porfo doesn't eat your hiding place.

And now a word from our sponsors:

Hungry? Thirsty? You better be!  
Able to taste? What about see? Not for long!   
Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, hydration; take care of it all with the all-new disappointment flavoured Pepsi Crunch: the world’s first (and only) food soda hybrid object!   
Crunch it! Slurp it! Devour it!   
Pepsi Crunch: Remember to swallow.

 

He has been sighted.

A report from John Peters (you know, the farmer?) places Porfo at Big Rico’s Pizza Parlour at approximately an hour ago. At first it was not so much a sighting but rather a hearing or perhaps more of a feeling. The whole world shook to the beat of titanic stomping as Porfo… I guess _jogged_?... towards the beloved restaurant.

Eyewitnesses recount that he was larger than before, nearly sixteen feet high and to describe him as obese was an understatement. The white button up shirt he had been wearing was shrivelled and bursting at the seams, revealing rolls upon rolls of fat giggling as he thundered forwards.

As the gargantuan skidded to a halt in front of Big Rico’s, witnesses describe hands pushing and clawing their way out from inside the fat rolls. Several accounts testify that there was a muffled screaming coming from within Porfo’s stomach and one individual claims that he heart the distant sounds of dogs barking coming from the same place.

Rather than simply eating the building and its contents this time, Porfo reportedly opened his mouth and some sort of vortex sucked  the entire establishment into his gullet. Scientists and the Sheriff’s Secret Police are currently on site, working in unison in order to attempt to explain just how Porfo was able to consume Night Vale’s finest wheat and wheat by-product free pizza parlour.

As for the insatiable Porfo, he was last seen rampaging towards the city center; something that can only mean more disasters lie ahead. Stay inside Night Vale, and stay safe.

More on this story as it develops. And now, for a look at the community calendar:

On Thursday the Night Vale High School will be hosting a homecoming feast for family and friends in order to raise funds for the football team to hire private tutors so that they might be able to finally understand math. Goooooo Scorpions! Tickets cost $20 with an optional $100 donation that is mandatory and will be collected from you before you wake up tomorrow morning. In addition to the feast there will be a special performance by the Night Vale Eternal Scouts who will be sacrificing their new Scout Leader, Gary, to Porfo the Devourer as part of their Sacrifices-to-an-Ever-Hungry-Deity badge. Sounds like a cheap and wonderful day out for the whole family!

Friday has a small bite out of it but still seems somewhat functional, unlike _Saturday_ which has been half eaten and left to fester on the kitchen counter. Somebody ought to think about throwing Saturday in the garbage, or maybe the compost bin? Either way, better get rid of Saturday before it starts to smell too bad.

The rest of the week has been completely devourer, probably by Porfo so… yeah. Not looking like a great week ahead folks.

In other news, the neutrally new newcomers are still wandering around town. While they walk the converse in low voices and when they stop there is silence. They have visited the former sites of The Moonlight All-Night Diner and Big Rico’s Pizza, staring silently at the carnage before moving on and talking amongst themselves. They seem to be following Porfo’s trail now that they have finally found it and they’re getting close… Dangerously close.

 

Are you vomiting a lot? What about feeling sleepy? Is it because you stayed up all night with the vomiting? Or maybe because you’re pregnant? You aren’t pregnant. Trust us, we’ve been secretly testing your urine for longer than you’ve been trying to have a baby. Stomach pains? Maybe they’re from the vomiting but maybe not. We know you aren’t hungry. You just ate a whole jar of uncooked antipasti by yourself. Don’t lie. We watched you do it. That might have hurt your stomach but that’s not is. Trust us.   
Confused? Because of the vomiting, sleepiness, and the stomach pains? Or none of the above. Are you simply just confused? Unlikely. One last question:  Are the tips of your fingers slowly turning a blueish-black?   
In the last year alone ink poisoning from illegally owned pens has killed 5 Night Vale citizens. Don’t become another statistic: stop owning pens.

This has been a joint public service announcement from the Night Vale Department of Health and the Sheriff’s Secret Police.

 

Back to our main story: After a rather thorough and all around stunning briefing by top scientist and  amazing husband, Carlos, Mayor Cardinal and the City Council are moments away from holding a press conference to address the issue of the demonic devourer plaguing our streets. Porfo has, according to latest reports, consumed every restaurant, supermarket, and bodega in Night Vale, causing an indeterminate number of casualties.

As well as the usual journalists, several prominent Night Vale figures have also attended the press conference in order to warn citizens via the latest craze to sweep our small community: Lifestyle Blogs. I myself have a Lifestyle Blog dedicated to recreating my iconic looks at affordable prices. Why not check it out at khoshekhtrash.tumblr.com?

In attendance out of the A-list Night Valean Lifestyle Bloggers was Erika, The Glow Cloud ( **ALL HAIL** ), Erika, The Faceless Old Woman Who Openly Lives In Your Home, and, of course, Erika. Carlos is also there with his perfect hair and informative presentation in the unlikely event that anyone asks a scientific question. He can answer a lot of scientific questions, even ones that are unrelated to the current danger. If I know Carlos (and I do, intimately) then I know he’d be ready and willing to answer any kind of scientific question that arises, even if it’s about Psychology which is a fake science.

Former Night Vale Community Radio Intern and current mayor, Dana Cardinal, now stands at the podium. Let’s go live to her speech.

 **Dana:** People of Night Vale, as a town, as a community, we are not strangers to the face of Danger. In fact, we have often looked Danger right in the eye many times and yelled “You will not destroy us today Danger!” And then Danger does not destroy us that day. But not because it is intimidated by us, but because our heroes, our _scientists_ , always find a way to save us.

People of Night Vale, Pofo is… Porfo is… Porfo is here!

**[Screams and chaotic sounds]**

**Cecil:** Listeners, it appears Porfo has found his way to City Hall, having now eaten all of the food providers in town. Whether he has come to demand more sustenance from the City Council or to simply eat them is unclear at this time.

There is panic and chaos in the street. People are trying in vain to scramble out of the way of this giant beast, now standing five stories high, as he descends upon the conference. A humongous porcelain fist has reached out to grab the Glow Cloud of all people. Oh my- Listeners, Porfo has raised the Glow Cloud high in the air, towards his mouth! In an attempt to save itself, the Glow Cloud is raining dead animals down at Porfo but he is simply consuming them!

What kind of monster would eat dead animals? Disgusting! But it is getting even worse listeners! Porfor, in his infinite hunger, has began to chomp down on the Glow Cloud as if it were simply a delicious, albeit luminous, ball of candyfloss!

Citizens of Night Vale, if you are outside you better run. Run and hide because Porfo is now sucking up everyone and everything in sight. Bushes, chairs, lamposts, people, Carlos’s presentation-

Oh my god, Carlos! I have to go!

**[Clattering of headphones and the distant doors slamming as Cecil runs away]**

**Willie:** Uh, I’m not sure what just happened but Cecil ran past and screamed something about the weather? So here it is I guess…

**Weather**

**Willie:** So, um, Cecil still isn’t back yet and Station Management sent me a death threat so if I don’t close out the show I will burn eternally in the firey pits of their stomach or something. It’s a good thing I am one hundred percent a professional presenter because I’ve hosted Drawfee like, once, but I’ve been on it a bunch of times too. Not as many as Jacob or Julia… But still a lot so that kind of makes me a presenter. Actually, I do have my own podcast. It’s called _Caught in the Web_ on iTunes. You should go check it out.

Anyway, back to this whole Porfo thing.

Side note: did you know that in Night Vale, TV stands for Telepathic Vision? It’s so cool, you can watch anything happening to anyone anywhere in Night Vale with just the push of a button. Well I was messing with the TV during the weather and I saw what happened with Porfo, although I have no idea whose vision I was actually watching so mystery person... thanks?

Anyway, that group of “newcomers” in the orange ponchos Cecil kept talking about are actually my friends from Drawfee: Caldwell, Nathan, Julia, and, ugh, _Jacob_. But yeah, so the Drawfee gang arrive at City Hall where Porfo is just eating EVERYTHING.  I didn’t hear what they were saying but I think Caldwell was arguing with the others or something? They were definitely trying to hold him back but Caldwell totally just ignored them and broke free.

Now, I would definitely describe Caldwell as a goofball. He’s a funny guy and when he’s silly it’s usually for the bit. Before today I never would have called him stupid though but then he did the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen.

So Caldwell, all shoulders back, pretending to be brave, he just walks right up to Porfo and starts yelling at him like “I’m your creator. It’s time to stop now and come home like a good son.” And you know what Porfo did? Porfo picks Caldwell up with those big-ass hands of his, looks him right in the eye… and then swallows him whole! I am pretty sure I could hear Nathan’s scream from here in the studio guys. No joke.

But yeah, Nathan has broken down into tears while Julia pulls out that cool bow of hers. I have definitely not seen those arrows before but whatever they are, if they hit Porfo they just sink into his skin and turn it black like ink I guess? So they must be magic or something. Anway, Julia is providing a tactical distraction or something because Jacob smacks some sense into Nathan and they both being to draw.

At first I couldn’t see what they were drawing but to be honest the person I was watching was so distracted by Julia. I wouldn’t exactly call Julia clumsy but when she was firing her weapon she was nimble as fuck and fast too. It was amazing. Then, out of nowhere but I guess they drew them into existence? Yeah, out of nowhere Jacob and Nathan are in these super cool mech suits and firing at Porfo in what must be the best first person shooter game in the history of ever. Jake would have wet himself with excitement.

Anyway, despite the super cool mech suits Porfo wasn’t really taking any damage. One of those dummies left their graphics tablet on the floor so Julia does this cool commando roll over to it and begins to draw. I was like OMG because Julia is known for drawing only two things: handsome men and nightmare demons from hell. I could see that Jacob yelled something at her because she stopped what she was drawing so it probably was another one of her nightmare creatures. God knows we don’t need another one of those tearing up the town.

So Julia ended up drawing something new and pulling out this super cool sci-fi rocket launcher type thing. Like, imagine the coolest design for a rocket launcher you can think of and it is by far not cool enough. _Anyway_ Nathan and Jacob take a turn for distraction but Porfo doesn’t really seem to care about them all that much. Like, sure they’re a nuisance but eating people was far higher up on his agenda for sure. But they still kind of distract him? Enough so people can run away at least.

Then Julia shoots her super cool rocket launcher and it hits Porfo right in the arm. Blood spurts EVERYWHERE. Like, jet black liquid just explodes like a geyser from a hole in his arm and just floods the street. Nathan and Jacob are swept off their feet and Julia is definitely pushed back. It was insane. Porfo let out this inhuman shriek which deafened _everyone_.

You could see Jacob, Nathan, and Julia shouting at each other but I am really bad at lip reading so I have no idea what was said but it was clear the mech suits were just not going to work with all of Porfo’s blood everywhere. The tidal wave had shorted the suits out or something. So Julia copied her rocket launchers and gave them to them?

Yeah, so there’s three rocket launchers now. Jacob and Nathan climb up onto some walls and shoot out Porfo’s knees so he falls over. Gosh, that was a mess and a half. It was like a tsunami or ink. Like, seriously, I don’t even know how Porfo could lose so much blood and survive. But anyway, when he fell over Julia does something even dumber than Caldwell! She just runs on into Porfo’s open mouth as he’s screaming! She almost got crushed by his teeth!

Jacob and Nathan _must_ have known what Julia was gonna do because they were concerned but way too calm. I, on the other hand, was having a major freak out because I don’t have many friends and two of them had just _died_ right in front of me. But they were way too calm so I knew something was up.

Sure enough, out of nowhere Porfo’s stomach just blows open and a whole bunch of people, bricks, and a few dogs just wash out on the wave of ink? Blood? Ink. Yeah. So Nathan and Jacob run forward and help Caldwell and Julia pull the people who weren’t bitten in half out. It was like something out of Attack on Titan if the anime had Julia and a bunch of rocket launchers.

Safe to say, it. Was. Intense.

But yeah, that’s it. That’s what happened. Oh, Cecil must have found Carlos because he called in to say he wasn’t coming back and I could hear kissing in the background? Gross. But he sounded too happy for Carlos to be dead so that’s something.

If I remember correctly, Cecil usually closes out the show with something meaningful but I am definitely not Cecil. I do have something meaningful to say though:

Buy a dog. Dogs are happiness in physical form.

 

Good night Night Vale. Goodnight.


End file.
